Love is so powerful, when you feel loved you feel like you can conquer the world, you have this peace that you cannot put into words, and you feel a sense of belonging because you know you are not alone since you are loved.
I had this love as a child with my family and then when I gave my life to the Lord at the age of 8 I felt I belonged to him. However, when I was 12, my little world fell apart when my grandfather passed away and I was put into state custody. I lost that Love, I lost that sense that I belonged to someone and I was safe.
I would search for this love for years to come like a lost puppy just begging for anyone to love me.
I started to do drugs when I was 18 and I met a much older man who knew how to play with a naïve girls heart and what to say to get her to do whatever he wanted. And I did whatever he wanted including drugs. I loved this man but he let me know from the start it was just sex. But I thought that I could make him love me and I tried so hard to do this and so when he introduced me to drugs it was a no brainer and I immediately said yes.
We started with ecstasy and GHB and would party with his friends in the beginning then go home. But when he saw how I enjoyed the drugs and how I was easily molded into what he wanted me to be, he then would invite his friends over and get me so high I couldn’t even walk straight- then he would pimp me out to his friends. This became a regular occurrence and I began to lose who I was to the drugs, and the sex. One of these nights we were partying with his friends and I would keep blacking out and coming to. I would be talking with him and then I would black out. While I was blacking out we went into a room to have sex and I was blacking out and coming to and each time I came to there was a different man on me. There were a total of 4 men that had sex with me that night and I only remember bits and pieces of it. Shortly after that I parted ways with this guy and started to work in spas during day and every night I would be out at the club. It was at this time that I started to do cocaine.
My life was drugs and sex and I didn’t care or want to do anything else. I started separating myself from anyone not doing the drugs including my family. I was still looking for a sense of belonging. I had that nightly but it would end by the next morning when the party was over, and so I searched again. Not long after starting to do cocaine, I was shooting it, and then I was shooting Crystal Meth and would often combine the two.
I would only hang out with people doing drugs or could supply the drugs to me and I would do anything for the drugs and I was known as a drug whore and that rightly fit at that time.
I started escorting at this time.
The people I hung out with would be so mean and degrading to me but I didn’t care because no one could be as mean as I was to myself.
When I was sober I was so full of shame and guilt, so I made it a point to never be sober and always be high, which truthfully just furthered my shame.
The last part of my addiction I was smoking crack and walking streets prostituting. And all this happened less than mile from where I lived and live now. My family was so close but a world away!
The last night I was walking street working and went back to this crack house I was staying at and passed out. I woke up in the middle of night instantaneously and started to cry. I was so done with this life and felt so hopeless. I was at my rock bottom and all I could do was look up. I prayed for first time in so long to the Jesus of my childhood. And he met me! He met me there on the floor of the crack house surrounded by people and he wrapped me in his arms and I sobbed. He held me and allowed me to cry and I felt for the first time since I was a child that real love! I arrived at the shelter on a Friday and that Sunday was Easter and a bus for a church was supposed to come and get us and it never came and so they called this other church that came and picked up whomever wanted to go and I jumped on. I had this eagerness to attend that I cannot explain but God. Went into church and it was crowded and they sang and I cried and the preacher preached and I cried. I gave my life back to my first love that day and was prayed for and for the first time in so long it was silence in my mind. The tormenting spirits had gone and I was free for the first time since I was a child. I did not feel the dread and the feeling of hopelessness, no it was replaced with the peace I had known as a child and love I had never felt. I was being redeemed and restored by the lover of our souls.
God never gave up on me no matter how far and how fast I had ran and how much I fought, God was patiently waiting for me to surrender and to admit that I need him and I needed him more than the air I breathed I needed him so badly. The pure, unconditional love of a father and it empowered me to leave where I was and go to church and I was TRULY delivered, I was healed!
God never ever gives up on us even if we give up on ourselves! He is there just waiting for us to come to Him and allow Him to pick us up and set us back on the path with Him. He does not judge what we have done like the world does, He loves us to forgiveness.
It took God saying that I was His child and it took forgiveness of myself and others before I was able to finally open up and allow God into the deepest of places within my heart that I had kept closed off for so long.
I had to forgive myself of all the awful things I had done and I had to allow God to love me. A couple years ago I was able finally to be around men and not think they want sex. I have yet to be loved by a man in my whole life, the Godly pure love of a man and that is ok because I have experienced the love of God and that is more than enough for me.
I was never alone and was always loved. I just had to allow that love in.
Mary would LOVE to Connect with you and Encourage Your heart!
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***There is SO much more to Mary and her story. You can read her Kindle Book here- My Love Story Freedom From Drugs and Prostitution or she would LOVE to email you a FREE copy of it, you can send here a message at: firstname.lastname@example.org***
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